Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Things That Annoy Me

That no matter how early I get online, tickets (even for those obscure bands that you think only you know about) always sell out in point two seconds. Why you gotta be so big, NYC?!

Things That Annoy Me

Rush tickets for shows always have students who got there earlier than you. Some people have lives, kids.

Things That Annoy Me

People who suddenly forget how to walk and stop in the middle of a busy sidewalk. It’s like driving: pull over to the shoulder so you don’t disrupt the flow of traffic people. I will push you and mutter bad
words in your ear (or at least fantasize about doing that as I angrily storm around you).

Things That Annoy Me

Other girls. It's so obvious that you're trying to get that guy to make a move on you. Really, you're trying too hard.

I Wish I Were Kelly Kapowski

Saved by the Bell has been off the air for years. Actually, almost two decades. But I still have those rainy (or let’s face it, sunny) days where all I want to do is watch TV and immerse myself in Bayside High. Like thousands of other little girls who actually watched the show when it aired on tv in the early 90s, I desperately wanted to be Kelly Kapowski. She had it all—beauty, a winning personality, popularity, and brains (or at least brains enough to be an average student). And she always had Zack and Slater and a slew of other boys fawning all over her. (For the record, Zack Morris all the way!) Years later, as I watch Kelly fall for Screech after their science tutoring sessions, or dance with Zack outside the school gym because she couldn’t afford to go to the prom, or tell everyone that her ideal future career is a housewife and mom, I find myself STILL wishing I could be Kelly Kapowski. Part of me is slightly offended that the character that everyone falls in love with or every girl wants to be isn’t a brainy feminist-leaning Jessi Spano. What kind of lesson were they teaching the children of the early 90s? But then I squash those dark thoughts away and embrace it: Kelly got to do almost everything you could fantasize about while growing up in white suburban America: dancing, singing, competing in beauty pageants, modeling abroad, going to college, and marrying your high school sweetheart. Plus, she landed Zack Morris.

How to take great pictures of yourself and friends when you’re taking them: It’s all about the angle.

1. Angle is everything. Always raise the camera a bit above everyone and point it down. It makes
faces and bodies skinnier. Score!

2. Distance is key. Always have the person with the longest arm take the photo. You don’t want a
picture that shows every pore or unplucked hair.

3. Don’t be afraid to take as many pictures as you need to until you get the perfect one. If you’re
spending the time to take a picture so you’ll remember that moment, you may as well like it.

How to take great photo booth pictures: Where spontaneity and good bone structure pay off

1. If you aren’t awesome enough (or have a great repartee with your photo partner(s)) to take wonderful spontaneous shots, definitely plan them out.

2. Do sequential poses. I once saw a guy do “I” (pointing to his eye), “Love” (making a heart), “You” (pointing to the photo viewer) for a three frame photo booth strip. It. was. Adorable. Other options which may be overly used, but are overly amazing: Hear No Evil, See No Evil, Speak No Evil, Growing shots (where you start at the bottom of the frame and slowly take the entire frame over), or the trusty turning in from facing outward shot.

3. If you find yourself needing to squish in a booth with lots of people, make sure you are in the middle—close enough that your face doesn’t get lost in the crowd, but far enough away that you don’t have that fat face that takes over the photo.

4. Props are always a plus (even if it’s your own long hair that you can use to make a weirdo ‘stache or a pen in your bag that you can use to draw something on your hand).

5. When in doubt, take a funny face picture. They will always make you smile when you’re looking back over your photo strip.

How to save a few bucks: When carting around a large purse pays off.

1. Toilet paper. When I first moved to the city and every single penny counted (i.e. saved for essential things, like rent or alcohol) spending money on toilet paper was unnecessary. Every bar—and sometimes restaurant—that foolishly left out rolls and rolls of tp so the employees wouldn’t have to constantly refill was a godsend. Just grab a couple, stuff in your purse, and repeat. Voila. You’ve just saved yourself $5.

2. Leftover sandwiches (or other edible delights). Attending a lot of events—free through work or pay-to-go events like film festivals or music festivals—that have lots of free bites begs for a large purse with some napkins…or if you’re really thinking ahead, Tupperware. If you think about, the food that doesn’t get eaten at things like this just get thrown away. So why not take a few things for your meal the next day? Or for a midnight snack? That free bag of chips or free cookies can come in handy when you’re feeling low on blood sugar waiting in line for that movie screening or sample sale… or for the damned G train that never seems to come.

3. Glassware. Although this is a throwback to the college years, every once in a while a bar/ restaurant’s glassware catches your eye. And sometimes when you break enough of your own glasses (always on accident, sometimes while sober), you need one or two new ones. This is especially true of gigantic glass steins from beer gardens that you would never purchase on your own, but really, really need to have. Plus, it’s a win-win. You pay for a drink and get a free glass. It’s the best deal in the city.

4. Alcohol. This may be the best way to save on money when you’re constantly meeting friends (and strangers) after work or on the weekends for libations. Flasks can easily fit inside a large purse. And if you go somewhere that checks bags (i.e. concerts or baseball games) a large purse can be filled with random other objects like books, shoes, tampons, and makeup to distract attention from a small pocket containing your flask. In a pinch, you can even fit small bottles of alcohol in your large purse. Once you’re inside the venue, all you have to do is order a soda and head to the bathroom to mix your drink. Spending $2 instead of $8? Yes, please!

5. Water. BYOW, folks. This is perhaps the most practical thing to carry in your large purse that will save you a few bucks. Instead of spending money on water bottles at Duane Reade (or from one of those random, slightly dirty-looking coolers that little kids cart around the park on a hot day), you can bring your own water. Cheap and good for you. What could be better than that?

So Bad It’s Good: The Overview

With Fifty Shades of Grey sweeping the nation, I got to thinking about things that are so-bad-they’re-good, and I realized that the world is full of such things: books, tv shows, movies, and music. In other words, guilty pleasures. Naturally, they’re the perfect escape from the doldrums of everyday life. Example: Forget Dirty Dancing and Patrick Swayze lifting Jennifer Grey in a chilly lake; I’ll take Dirty Dancing II: Havana Nights with Diego Luna and sweaty, sultry hip-swiveling dancing in the heat of Cuba any day. Or, the poorly written, but deliciously irresistible Twilight series. I’m sure thousands across America read the first book thinking that it was something they could have written in your high school creative writing class, but it didn’t stop millions from devouring every sentence and swooning over Edward or Jacob. I would go so far as to classify my not-so-secret love of chick flicks in this category as well. Most of the plots are predictable and templated from one story to the next. (Lonely woman working in fashion/publishing/weddings/event planning meets insanely attractive and insanely single man who happens to be a thoughtful/sweet/perfect man. Wackiness ensues resulting in a happy fairy tale ending.) What is it about all of these things that has me—and countless other women—ignoring the terrible writing and keep coming back for more? I think it’s the swoon factor—the more you swoon while reading your secret fantasy coming to life on page or screen or in sound, the more it makes whatever it is you’re watching or reading or listening to land even more securely in the so-bad-it’s-good category.